so i'll be getting gowned, but my grades still sucked ass and i must must must make all As next semester in order to keep my scholarships. so i'm really disappointed in myself. i need to raise my GPA from 3.12 to 3.25 with the five classes i'm taking. fuck me. and also i've eaten wayy too much today. i will definitely need to do some exercising tomorrow. the scale this morning said something like 139. so i hope i'm still making progress despite my lazy lifestyle and munchies. also i lit up last night and managed to only drink water and eat some mixed greens. so today:
like 3 pieces of beef jerky (300?)
a bag of popcorn (120)
3 cookies (270)
some crackers (120) and cheese (35)
a bite of a twinkie
some citrus green tea
three sunchips (30?)
water


soo i'll guess that's about 800 or 900 calories. fuck my life. holy shit. i might get drunk tonight and that's so many empty calories so i might refrain and just light up.

ugh i have to eat christmas eve dinner with daniel and his mom and i'll have to eat then. and also i think my brothers are cooking christmas dinner and my mom will force me to eat. so that's about 1200 calories for each meal there. FUCK i will have to pretend to have a stomachache and also eat as little as possible. maybe there's soup i can order and ill just eat a lot of veggies on christmas. i'm gonna fast until then though. for sure.

depression is setting in. fuck my life.

i have to make all As next semester or i'm fucking fucked. FUCK. i'm going to light up and forget.

oh and my grades are posted at 9 AM. this will determine my mentality for the rest of break... meaning if i get all Bs or any Cs at all i'll be terribly depressed and stressed for a really long time. if i make mostly As and maybe one B, and my gpa is 3.40 or higher, then i'll get gowned and ill be really happy and feel good... if i don't get gowned then i'll just be depressed for a while. the next 5 and a half hours will drag by oh so slowly... shit. i feel like i just havent been good enough at anything school-wise this semester though. i feel like my grades will be a let down. it doesn't help that i didn't sleep much during finals week thanks to amphetamines. i love amphetamines though. i had no desire what so ever to eat while i was on vyvanse.

sleeping all day and staying up all night allows me to skip meals but no one is up to hang out with. i was at my aunt's house for a while today, and when i came home, i had a few bites of stuff but ughhh.... here's everything:

2 cups of coffee
1 cup eggnog (170)
1 piece of caramel dark chocolate (50?)
1/2 can tuna, plain (70)
a few bites of fried/breaded chicken
a fried pickle spear
a piece of reeses chocolate
two crackers with some cheese spread

all in all, i'd say i've had about 500 calories today. maybe more? SHITTTT no more. no no no. i might eat some spring mix greens for the vitamins.
i was close to making some noodles or something, but instead i came here =)
scale reads about 140... i know i've only lost water weight, but i need to stay strong.
i'm going to a club tomorrow night so hopefully i can dance off a lot of calories. i hope so.
i can't drink empty calories though... no no.

current BMI: 23.4 at 143 and 5 5.5"(approximate. i haven't weighed myself digitally in days)
goals:

BMI 23.0, 140lbs
BMI 22.5, 137lbs

1 BMI 22.0, 134lbs
2 BMI 21.5, 131lbs
3 BMI 21.0, 128lbs
4 BMI 20.5, 125lbs
4 BMI 20.0, 122lbs
5 BMI 19.5, 119lbs
6 BMI 19.0, 116lbs
7 BMI 18.5, 113lbs
8 BMI 18.0, 110lbs

if i lose a pound every two days, then i can reach about 120 by shake day. shake day is actually jan 30 so i have one more week than i thought.
one pound of fat is approximately 3,500 calories. it takes about 1,200 calories daily to live
so... 2,400 calories will be used just to live, leaving 1,100 calories that i need to burn, which is 550 calories a day. i need to burn 550 calories a day. this is not to count whatever food i eat. so i really need to burn about 650 or 700 calories a day. shit.

In 27 days, i'll be back on campus, giving me two weeks to use the gym before shake day to build muscle. i'm nervous about taking pilates because, if i don't do any exercising during the break then i'll have no muscle base to work with when i do pilates.

the human body is a marvelous thing.

so is the mind. my mind, however sucks.
today my brother wanted chinese food after our denist appointment, and i was mentally preparing myself for not eating, but i don't know what fucking happened... i ended up getting a plate of fatty fat fat and eating most of it before i lost my appetite due to how fat i was being.
besides that, i drink a little bit of juice with my water andddd i probably had one serving of leafy greens- spring mix.

i need to start exercising and meditating. somehow i need to figure out how to make myself not eat when i'm around food. that's the thing.

I HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT.

my measurements are
35
30
40

and i want them to be
34
24
34

so i have to lose these inches:
1 inch from bust (bye bye B boobs)
6 inches from my waist
6 inches from my hips

i want to wear a size 0 or at least 2 jeans. i won't buy anything bigger than a size 2 jeans.

whenever i reach my goals, i'm going to get a tattoo of the fox from le petit prince. it will represent the taming of my body, much like how the prince tamed the fox.

i've tried plans like this before were i take a set amount of time and i say i won't eat and i'll exercise a lot, but this time i really need to make it work because i can't let down my friends. in five weeks, our srat is having a shake day and i want to look fucking great in a leotard and nothing else. maybe some leggings because it will be cold, but i want to look good. i'll make a reason for all the things that i want this for:
1. shake day's leotard
2. new look- skinny indie
3. r.w.a.
4. to look better than susan.
5. to get more boys than my roommate
6. i want someone to tell me that i have a great body.
7. this is something i've wanted for years and years
8. to prove to myself that i can actually do this before i'm old and ugly.
9. to buy new clothes. i'm not buying clothes until i've lost weight. also i need new jeans soon.

so here's the plan. the next five weeks, i won't eat. this is all i'm allowing myself to have:
1. water
2. black coffee
3. tea
4. plan leafy greens
5. green stuffs drink
6. egg whites for protein

the human body can last at least a month without food, as long as the body gets water. so i'm going to go as long as i can without food. i have five weeks before shake day, four weeks before classes start back up, and i want to look like i've lost weight. i want to lose 25 pounds in the next five weeks, at least. that's five pounds a week, taking me down to about 120 pounds total. this will be a good weight to go down from. my overall goal weight is 113 pounds. that is on the edge of being "underweight" according to the BMI scale.

i really need to start meditating half a hour to a hour a day.
i need to start doing a lot of yoga.
i need to start doing pilates to prepare for my pilates class this semester.

"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." will be the mantra i repeat anytime i feel weak.
i need to learn to just say no and continue to say no when someone offers me food.
i need to stay strong, because losing the weight will be the hard part. once it's off i can start eating a little bit more if i continue to work out. i need to kill my appetite and my fat.