My life on acid...or something similar

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:36:19 GMT

i fail greatly. but soon i will make it. soon i will be an elite. so i will win

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:05:56 GMT

i am now 148 again. ugh i hate my self. stopped counting for that cheating bastered and i gained ten lbs. i hate him. but now i need to lose 15 by haloween. please help. i need someone to chat will. text. what ever. keep me on the bandwagon. i need this. I need to be beautiful. i need to be someone else.

on the upside. my beautiful little girl is growing up so quickly. i hope she never goes through what i have

Tue, 05 May 2009 21:50:33 GMT

So i had my baby on Saturday April 25. she is such a beauty. i was 186lbs when i went in.
was 170lbs when i got home
and now i am 159lbs.

i am going to start running on sunday. my goal is to be at 149lbs by the end of may.
ultimatly i want to be at 120. but derek would freak. he wants me to stay around 140lbs. i figure i can get to 130 without him noticing.
i don't know what i'm going to do yet.

today i eaten:
a bananna
4 strawberries
an apple

hopefully the rest of the day will go ok, becasue last night really sucked.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 05:14:13 GMT

i'm getting closer and closer to my due date and all i can think is hurry this up so i can start losing weight. I mean i want to beg and plead for it to be over. but i'm also super pain intolerant and i think i'm going to die giving birth. i am so scared. what if i can't get the epideral in time. i guess its all going to be worth it once she's out of my stomach and i'm on the road to being a skinny baby momma.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:28:53 GMT

serioulsy! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! i have been waiting patiently and eating for the sake of my baby. like completly making myself look like a pig. i gained like 13 in a little over a month. and i want her out now. i want to be done. i want to start losing weight again. i can't do this. i am too fat!

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:53:32 GMT

seriously i am so sick of being pregnant. People now think they have a right to say "oh your so big' and it doesn't matter. like i wouldn't care. i fucking hate it. i'm done trying to do this pregnancy right. I'm not eating.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 05:09:29 GMT

3 pickles 25/0
soup 194/75
apples and carmal 100/30

so today went ok. Derek and i didn't sleep together last night. thats good. but ya i'm only at 325 calories...so i'm doing ok. even if derek does have me eat again tonight. But ya all my stuff is out of dereks. well most of it.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 08:50:54 GMT

So i went and did bundle haul with Derek and he made me eat...so now i had more calories. lets see...i had a bit of his pizza thingy so thats 35/15 i believe. and then i had beef stew which was 250/70. so now i am at a grand total of ....966! FUCK.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:54:15 GMT

So ya today went farly well i suppose. So far anyways. Derek was an ass last night..like ushual. But, i slept with the asshole anyway. ya real smart sleep with him again when i already think i'm pregnant. Anyways calories so far
sandwitch 271/32
salad 320/45
pear 90/0
so ya thats pretty much it. I'm trying to get ready to leave and everythin but i'm having a hard time doing it. well later

Parts of me

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 08:52:40 GMT

So i'm praying to God that I'm not pregnant. i DO NOT!! REPEAT DO NOT!! want to have that assholes baby. He is sitting there talking to Kasey telling her how much better looking she is than me. and he is just trying to start stuff between me and her. I'm so sick of this shit. good thing i'm getting all my stuff and leaving tomorrow. Guess what the best part is. I only had 130 calories today...maybe...what ever i am so done with this. I am so ready to be done.

Yet he still sits here thinking that i'm going to stick around. He thinks that he is going to get her and me at the same time. I am not sleeping with that ungrateful pain in the ass. What ever...let him fuck his life over. I love him so much but this fucking shit is rediculus.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:41:20 GMT

well i'll be off to work i guess. 3-11 again. great! lol not. At least it makes it a little more difficult to eat. At least until break. i need to figure out what to do then...what do you think. but my worst time is when i do bundle haul with derek at 2 in the morning. then we get back and sleep together. neither of these things are good for me! God why can't i give him up. why do i love him so much? why did he have to ruin my life? actually i really let him, but he was suppose to be my savior. more like the devil in desguise. what ever. i'll try to keep from eating. i hope at least.

ok

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:09:29 GMT

Ya so i slept with the fucker again... God Damit why can't i just keep my fricken legs closed Virgin until i'm married...ya that worked out really well !!! I'm so sick of this. I'm going to fuckin get pregnant. I havn't been taking my birthcontrol and he keeps cumin in me. So i'm pretty sure i'm going to be fucked either way. The sex isn't even good anymore. I honeslty didn't want to do it last night, but i did anyway. I actually inishiated it! Fuck this. OH ya and the best part. even though i hardly ate anything yesterday i went and ate a donut, a muffin, and a sandwitch...oh and the worst part a FUCKING twinkee. God i hate myself. I'm really going to lose weight this way. Oh ya so i got on the waitin list for the dorms today.Derek doesn't know. He still thinks we're all going to live together this year. Fuck that. I'm not supporting his ass anymore. I'm so sick of being his fucking mom. He's got one of those and she's having enough trouble trying to make that work. Dereks going to do what he wants, we all know that. i need some help. i need someone to talk to when i have food cravings. someone whose going to make sure i go run. If you can help let me know.

Today

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:26:24 GMT

So far today has been fairly decent. My dad and i are finally talking again after 2 monthes. Also, I only ate a salad 130/40 and had an OJ 110/0. So i am pretty excited. Its going to be a rough road from here but i think i can do it. Also, probably getting into the dorms so it will be easier to let go. I hope at least.

Also talked to Kasey and she said she use to have to fake it with Derek, lol. But seriously i hate that we were both having sex with him at the same time and didn't know at all. Fuck this shit. What ever though. I'm starting to become numb to it all. Well gonna go for a while. talk to you all soon

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:05:35 GMT

I AM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT! I know he is lying. I know he's seeing her too, yet letting go has been so difficult. i can't stand the thought that i gave up my vow for him and he's been lying this whole time. Was i all just a game? Did he mean anything he said. Or did he just want to control another life? Tell me what i'm suppose to do now. How do i get over him. I love him so much. Please. Some one tell me what to do. I took 6 caffeine pills yesterday to try and make him realize something was wrong. He just called me stupid. can't he see. He's killing me inside. Does he care.?

MY LIFE ON ACID...LOL...IF ONLY THAT WAS MY EXCUSE

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:13:55 GMT

Yesterday started the season of lent and i've decided to give up everything except fruits, vegies, and diet pop. This is an extremly good excuse not to eat very much. Plus it keeps me in check of even if i binge its on things like lettuce, apples, and carrots so its a low calorie binge. Also things have not been going so well with my new boyfriend. His ex got sent away and he's super depressed cuz he misses her. he tells me he still loves her and thinks about her all the time. i know i should get out of this relationship but i want to be with him so much. he's like one of my best friends and i just don't want to lose him. Also i snuck out a couple of days ago to be with him and he actually slept for the first time in a week, even if it was only for a few hours. : ) But i really don't know what to do. He says he wants to be with me, but he also wants to be with her and until he gets to see her again he isn't sure if he really wants her as much as he thinks. So right now i'm just waiting for her to come back for him to decide if he wants to be with me or not. how lame is that. erg...what do i do?

HELP!!

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 03:56:48 GMT

Sorry this doesn't have to do with my ED but i need help
ok so i got my belly button pierced in august and it has been discharging this yellow guncy stuff and today there was some red in it. how do i fix it. i need to do it inconspicously because i can't let my dad know.

I HATE MYSELF

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 03:55:00 GMT

so today all i did was eat all day. i threw up like 4 or 5 times, i'm not really sure. A lot of times when i hate a binge day i try not to think about how many times i do it. I really do hate myself though, expecially right now. I'm so confused. my boyfriend will not talk to me. i'm not sure if he's mad at me or if his cell phone died. which seems to be happening all the time now. : ( it makes me so sad. i don't know what to think. i mean i know he's not cheating, cuz i know him well enough to know he'd never do that. i mean it took forever for him to kiss me, so i know he's not doing anything. but the distance is killing me. i don't know what to do. I hate that we have to be so far apart. and i'm having constant mood swings because of my E.d. i really wish i knew what to do. HELP ME

stupid me

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 01:51:49 GMT

ya so i didn't eat for two days then i came home at 7 today and just binged for a super long time. threw up a ton twice. I HATE MYSELF!!1

Wow!!

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:34:46 GMT

So on Monday i gave in and ate a whole bunch of food and ended up throwing up, it made me so sad because i had done so good restricting. So i was like i'm not going to eat tomorrow and then i'll go right back on my plan, but now its wensday and i still have no desire to eat. so as of today i'm completing day two of a fast. But the thing is, i've always had a REALLY hard time even trying to fast for one day. i ALWAYS end of talking myself out of it. But, it just kind of happened and i really don't want any food. The only thing i've had the past two days is diet pop and one piece of gum. I don't know how long it can last because my principle is making me go to lunch now. I go to a small school so he knows me really well and he knows about my anorexia cuz i was in treatment last year. I don't know how i'm gonna get out of eating. if i don't he'll know something is up. but i always bring my own lunch and i only have like 2 bucks in my lunch account so i can't really do anything about it if i don't bring anything to school. But, i really don't want him to tell my dad cuz then my dad will freak on me. I don't know what to do? got any ideas?

I can't believe I've done this

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:34:02 GMT

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 13:50:53 GMT

I had the weirdest "dream" last night. Well i think it was a dream. Or at least parts of it were for sure. i was lying in my bed and i couldn't breathe. like at all, and i guess it was because i hadn't eatten or something...I think that part was the dream. But I was trying so hard to breathe and it was really, really hard. Then i just ended up down stairs trying to get my dad to open his door and he's like this is what you get, or something like that. It was so scary though because i think i wasn't dreaming the whole time.

good day

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 04:00:42 GMT

So today was the day i was suppose to run 2 miles. I also had to be at school at 5: 30 because i had a theatre workshop to go to, i even went to bed at 9...big acomplishment for me. : ) But, i forgot to set my alarm, luckily i woke up at 10 to 5, but then i didn't get to run. And when i got back from the workshop i had to work for 3 hours. So i didn't get done until 8:15p.m. So, i decided to run home, which was 1.3 miles. Then i ran to the end of my road( i live on a dirt road) and back which made up the .7, mostly. I think it might be .6 to go there and back... So i was super happy that i got that done, because it was making me really anxious to think i wasn't going to get it done. Also, I am trying to slowly cut calories so i don't go into binge and purge mode. But, today i ate 870 out of the aloted 1600. which i know is a lot but i'm trying to cut slowly. Cuz thats what worked last time. So, I'm hoping it all worked out well. Well tomorrow is going to be my rest day..kinda. I'm going to bike for 45 minutes, but no running. I'm going to try to do that once a week, except for the weeks where i have a FAST, then i'm just going walk that day sometimes. But, then i'll give my legs a little rest from running. Well, i guess thats it.
later

The Weird, Weirder, and Weirdest...not really

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 01:33:42 GMT

O.K. so everyday i read all my "friends" entries and just knowing people think the same way as me makes me feel better about myself. But, it also makes me feel really bad because i'm not as strong as them. So today i got out of school early, took a nap, and then was going to go to play practice, but the fricken dush bags went and had practice with out me. W/E. so i had a lot of spare time on my hands. so i set up a whole fricken diet "more like a healthy lifestyle" for the next two months. Once i get done with the first month, or half way through the second i will work on making two or more months. I'm not sure its going to work for sure, but i need to have more faith in myself. Well i guess i'll write how it goes at the end of the week. Ok. later

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 18:44:39 GMT

This is crazy. I can't believe its real. Guys is it really possible to loose 10lbs in 4 or 5 days? OMG?
help. Am i going crazy

What am i doing?

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 19:36:49 GMT

So, since i last posted i went from 152 to 157 because i binged and purged for three days straight. and now i'm back to 153 this morning. I was doing so good today not eating and then i had a cup of grapes. and then i had salami and melted shredded cheese on and english muffin. i feel so stupid but i was feeling so sick and dizzy. I don't know what to do right now. But my stepbrothers are here. they are so violent. and its super weird when jonny (the oldest he's 17, 6 months younger than me) sleep in the living room with my boyfriend and me. but i can really do anything about it. there is no room anywhere. I need some help to get through this. I want to binge so bad because i'm so stressed out...